Well Hello Dear Friend
Well here I am again. The tried and true. I always come to this when I have to get out some emotional shit.
The knot in my throat is existent. A bitch is sad and needs to cry but can’t. What will be my breaking point? What’s even making me sad? Am I happy and just having a moment? I’d like to hope so. Is it that there are a few death anniversaries coming up? Is that what’s getting to me and it’s just projecting on to other issues? Why did I get so upset when my man had to cancel plans because he forgot he had a prior commitment?
Should we talk about the death thing first? There are two important (if you so wish to call them that for a lack of better words) death anniversaries coming up. One being my grandma. Which honestly the date recently passed about a month ago. It’s been two years now. Some how I forget sometimes. Then I remember. I won’t get to feel that big strong hug. I won’t experience the love that person gave me. I won’t eat her cooking. Can I still say I’m her favorite? Wow. The tears are coming. I really just want that big hug. For so long I’ve always been the “I don’t like hugs” “don’t touch me” type of person. Recently all I’ve longed for was a hug that I can feel love radiate. And I can’t find that from anyone. Not even my own parents. Why? I don’t get it. Man. This shit sucks. Everything feels like it’s not enough. Not long enough. Not strong enough. Not right enough. I just want it to be enough.
Second one being Tommy. Oh Tommy. Holy fuck how we all miss you. In the most non cliche way… We really do miss you. My friend’s death brought our entire circle so much closer. His funeral was definitely the last time I ugly cried. After Tommy it’s honestly been hard to get close to people. Being sober you know the reality. People die. It’s just what happens. I have a disease and make friends with people who have the same illness which our odds are not in our favor. I see with my very own eyes the reality with another one of my friends. The moment when a group of friends collectively say we’ve accepted their fate. That shit is sad. To look into your friend’s eyes and know what realistically is going to happen. No matter how much hope you have that they’ll get better but knowing this illness will take them out way before their time should expire.
Is this projecting into other aspects of my life? Am I valid for being upset that canceling plans with me is becoming more frequent than I would like? Shit happens, I get that. At what point in time do you go from being kind and understand to putting your foot down and respecting yourself enough to not put up with bullshit. I respect his time alone, his friends, and his plans but when he over extends himself and forgets about prior commitments and I end up getting let down. That sucks. I don’t want to feel like I’m on his time. We make plans around his schedule. Today I spoke up. I stood up for myself going into it with a take it or leave it mind set. This is how I’m feeling and I’m not going to feel bad to voicing my thoughts. I’m not going to keep my mouth shut and be scared of looking crazy. I think I’m starting to actually be empathetic. Odd thing, right? I can see the other side of this. I understand the other side but that does not invalidate my feelings. 
I’m not sure what else to say right now. I got a few tears out and I guess I should be proud of myself for that. Right? I don’t know. But good night. Talk to you during my next crisis
Xx b
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